Confronting Fears in the Heart of the Jungle
I've been processing fear after fear on this trip to the jungle, and it's more than just about mosquitos :)
Although, don’t get me wrong—mosquitos have been a fear of mine ever since they made a feast of me the last time I ventured into the jungle. In case you're curious, I got this natural mosquito repellent from “Kinfield,” and honestly, I’m not sure if it’s working or not. I’m currently counting about 10 bites—but with my history, that's only a quarter of what I’m used to, so MAYBE this product actually works? I was tempted to “Deet” it up, though—not gonna lie—but I've been hanging in there strong, fighting the good fight against the mosquitos of the Guatemalan jungle. Can anyone else relate to fighting this good fight?
Okay, so here I am, immersed in the jungle, about a 15-minute walk from the national park of Tikal. I knew this ancient civilization was LARGE, and I knew they hadn’t excavated the entire site, but I didn’t realize I’d end up trekking about 14 miles yesterday—with still more of the park to explore. I’m neurotic about getting my steps in, so I guess the spirits of these lands knew I was coming...
Trekking moments <3
Now, about these fears...
They’ve really been making themselves known on this trip. It’s interesting because I used to NEVER fear any sort of travel. I was always ready to go, feeling safer in my body, spirit, and environment every time I embarked on an expedition (despite a few times where I didn’t put myself in the best or safest situations, but that’s a story for another time :) ). The older I get, the more I fall in love, the more I notice myself attaching to things—and so the HARDER it gets.
To be completely transparent... I had thoughts of never making it to Tikal, thinking my plane was going to crash (WHAT THE HECK)!?!? And then, someone mentioned they’d heard about a plane crash right before I took off, and I thought... “IS THIS A SIGN?” Nah, girl, chill—these are just manifestations of fears trying to take root.
Additionally, I’ve been blessed to wander the park while it’s completely isolated. Since it’s rainy season and I’m staying near the park, I’ve chosen to explore early in the morning or right before closing to soak in all the quiet I can. It’s been amazing because there have been times where NO ONE was around (felt like I had the park all to myself), but there were many moments where I found myself walking miles alone with no one in sight, thinking, “Wait, is this okay?” “If something happens to me, no one will know... at least not for a while, and by then I’m screwed... GREAT.” And those FREAKING HOWLER monkeys—I’m so happy I knew they were just monkeys because I’d be minding my own business on a trail, and suddenly this noise would sound exactly like a jaguar, and I would’ve peed myself!
The only creatures I’ve encountered have been friends :)
One of my missions on this trip was to allow these fears to surface, so I could open space for them and then let them go back to where they came from—nowhere and nothing; A VOID. The last time I was in the jungle, fear had its way with me, and although I evolved, got stronger, and connected more deeply with spirit, I still felt a bit fractured—like I’d shattered this illusory fear, but it was still lingering within me. Now I’ve returned to the jungle, no plant medicine and mostly sober (not gonna lie, I’ve enjoyed some Mezcal), and I can feel the jungle stripping these fears away as I lean into them all. OH, the power here & the power of these ancient civilizations.
The energy of Tikal, the ruins, have opened portals for me to see fear for what it truly is—an illusion. Exploring these lands on my own has opened up spaces within me that I didn’t know were closed. Since I found this AMAZING hotel (one of the only ones) situated in the jungle RIGHT next to Tikal, I’ve spent most of my time at the park contemplating, meditating, praying, and journaling. I can feel my body VIBRATING as I immerse myself in the energy of the pyramids, and the surge of energy running through me is a reminder that we all have access to this IMMENSE power within us.
I still have a journey ahead of me, but it’s been EXPANSIVE. Here’s what I’ve taken away from this trip so far:
Time is an illusion, so allow yourself to slow down by stepping away from a chaotic reality. Come back to the present moment—that’s where all the power is generated from; it’s the only thing that truly exists.
Trust your journey. I got in my head thinking, “I need to do this, I need to do that, if I don’t do this, then this won’t happen.” But the truth is, I don’t need to do anything except trust that I will be directed or redirected as needed. I’m being guided, and I choose to listen to my intuition (sometimes it’s trial and error, and that’s okay). There’s timing for everything. It feels so good to finally be over the idea that I need to do something to "prove myself." I don’t have to do ANYTHING, but be human, kind, open, flexible, compassionate, and true to myself.
Find stillness and find nature. Take a moment to ground yourself. Immerse in nature, put your feet in the grass, dirt, or sand, listen to the sounds of the birds, the trees, the wind. Start by listening, and then notice the connection follow suit.
Believe in the magic and energy that surrounds you. CHOOSE where you want your energy shared. I’ve walked through portals in this waking dream while wandering through the park, and I’ve also been gifted guidance in my dream world since I’ve been here.
Write down your thoughts! So much is happening in our minds that we try to make sense of, sometimes without even being aware because there’s just too much coming through—too many downloads. Journaling has helped me so much to better understand my thoughts, which shaped my curiosity and who I am.
Being away from my boyfriend is so hard for me (I just love him so much)! I can feel the connection even when I’m far away. It’s good practice for me to continue learning the balance of a relationship & being so grateful to be in love. A reminder to appreciate all your loving relationships—they are so amazing!
Trust that I am safe—my biggest fear. In my heart, I know I will be okay—I’ve got MANY journeys and adventures ahead of me, and this trip has been a reminder that I am GOOD.
Journaling my intentions!
Ok, before I wrap this up I just want to share with you that I’m currently witnessing the jungle rain - one of my favorite moments in the jungle :) !
As I get ready to make another trek through the ruins, I leave you with this:
May you feel inspired to sit in stillness and receive, or take action to create. And may you see fear for what it truly is—an illusion and a created reality that can be shifted. May you feel so good in your body, mind, and spirit, and may you be blessed always!!!
Until next time!
Sincerely & with love,
Greta Ruljevaite